Amanda, I gave your essay, “Why Zoos Should Be Eliminated,” a grade of B due to numerous reasons. First off, I want to commend you for a great topic. You have chosen something that has been overlooked by many people simply because they believe that there is nothing wrong with keeping animals inside cages. This might be due to the fact that zoos have been existent for such a long time now and the public has accepted its presence in society.
Your first paragraph demonstrates proper introduction of the issue. You were able to generalize your argument in such a way that the readers were exposed to the topic without going in to too much detail. You were also able to present the importance of your argument by mentioning that keeping animals inside cages in zoos denied them of their freedom. The second, as I have noticed, was also a part of your introduction. You have to remember that most introductions only consist of one paragraph but this can be in a maximum of two paragraphs so your introduction still falls within the acceptable length. It is good that your introduction was supported by logical evidence because this would strengthen your case. You were also able to state your thesis statement in a clear and concise manner.
It was good that you compared man’s freedom with that of the animals because readers were able to distinguish its differences, and how man has become unfair when it comes to their treatment to animals. Because animals do not display the ability to feel, humans think that these creatures do not care about their freedom. However, this should not be the case because animals are smarter than humans can even imagine. Although they seem to adapt to the surroundings of zoos, animals still need their natural habitat in order for them to reproduce normally and live like they are supposed to.
You also included some contrasting evidence that do not believe that freedom is not important for caged animals. This is good because you were able to present both sides of the argument. You were also able to refute the evidence’s claim that animals do not care about their freedom, and are merely focused on their personal space from the intrusions that outsiders can give. Acknowledging the fact that there are two sides of the story gives the impression that the author (you) are open to the possibility that others have different opinion regarding the issue.
Overall, the structure of your essay is good. It has all the aspects of a well-written essay, which includes the introduction, body that consists of three or more paragraphs, and the conclusion. The introduction was very interesting and could easily catch the attention of the readers. It can make the readers curious, which would make them want to read further. It is apparent that you researched your topic well with the number of evidences that you were able to provide throughout the essay. The conclusion was also good because you provided several alternatives so that people do not have to resort to caging animals. You did not simply restate your thesis statement but also addressed it keeping in mind all the evidences that supported it.
The style was also above average because you demonstrated good command of the English language using vocabulary words that are appropriate for your level. However, there might be some who can find the words that you use as too complicated and they may have difficulty understanding the vocabulary that you use. This, in turn, might cause them to lose interest in reading your paper or they might misinterpret your whole argument. In addition to this, you have to be careful with your punctuations because I saw about two paragraphs that did not have periods at the end of their last sentences. You also have to avoid using contractions because this is a formal paper and it is not appropriate to use them in formal writing. Your paper should look as if it were scholarly and as if it were made by a college student and not an elementary student. Another flaw that I noticed was the use of “and” and “but” at the start of your sentences. Although this has been accepted recently, some professors still prefer that their students’ sentences do not start with conjunctions because they appear as if they were incomplete sentences.
Aside from these simple suggestions, I find your essay to be well written, detailed, and planned. You took your time in researching and finding logical and concrete evidences that would support your claim. You also had the time to find authors who would rebut your case and provide a different opinion than yours. The length of your essay was enough to cover everything that you needed to say including your recommendations so that the problem with zoos can be solved. Your “Works Cited” page was also properly formatted and the number was enough to cover the length of your argument.
Having said all these, I think that you will do a better job in making your revision, as these are only minor ones. Before submitting your next work, read it and check it for grammatical errors. You can also have someone proofread your paper for you because this will let you know if your paper can be understood by someone else.